“Some things happen of necessity, others by chance, others through our own agency.”
— Epicurus, Letter to Menoeceus, §133
In 2003 I wrote:
A few days ago during a conversation, I tried to find a good analogy for life. Somehow Tetris popped into my head. You know how Tetris works? I think most people do. Think about it…
Twenty-three years later I returned to the same game. The metaphor had accumulated more pieces while I was living inside it.
The essay became Tetris too. The first version landed. Everything written later had to build on it.
I think it may be a better model than most of the famous ones. I have been turning it over in my head since.
Here is how it works, in case someone has somehow missed it. A piece descends from the top of the screen. You can rotate it and move it left or right while it falls. When it lands, it stays where it lands, and another piece begins to fall. The pieces are different shapes. Your task is to arrange them into complete horizontal lines, which disappear. The pieces fall faster as you progress. Eventually they fall faster than you can think. Eventually you lose.
There is no winning Tetris. There is only playing it for longer.
The first version I wrote was less polite: You are fucked, my friend. As soon as you hit that start button, you are on your own. Twenty-three years of additional evidence have not made the game more polite.
The first piece falls slowly. You have time. You can rotate it as much as you want. You can move it anywhere you want. The options feel endless because the screen is empty and the piece has nowhere it has to go.
This is also the most important piece you will place in the entire game, although you cannot know that at the time. Its placement will help determine what becomes possible for the pieces that follow. Place it badly and you create a gap that must eventually be filled. The gap may not be filled cleanly. The next piece lands near it but not quite in it. The piece after that begins the next layer slightly tilted because the previous layer is uneven. The unevenness compounds.
By the tenth piece you are no longer placing pieces freely. You are placing them in response to constraints created by earlier placements. The constraints will multiply from there.
There is no right way to place the first piece. Horizontal, vertical, left, center, right: none is the correct answer, because correct presupposes a measure that does not exist at the start of the game. You learn what might have been correct only in retrospect, after seeing what came next. By then you are already several pieces beyond the moment of choice. You cannot go back.
The game does not let you go back. That is one of its central features. The forward motion is what makes it a game and not a puzzle. A puzzle can be solved. A game can only be played.
We are born into the same arrangement. The first pieces of life arrive slowly enough that we scarcely recognize them as pieces. A child does not know that the language being learned will shape the thoughts available later. A child does not know that early attachment may become a template for love, trust, fear, and escape. A child does not know that the small habits of attention, avoidance, care, and self-protection being formed now will become part of the structure on which later achievement and failure rest.
The child cannot know any of this. The slowness of the early game is the only reason a child can survive being one.
Later, the pieces accelerate. By adolescence the choices arrive more quickly. By the twenties they are arriving much faster than that. Decisions that took weeks at twelve take days. Decisions that took days at twenty take minutes. The board is filling. The earliest pieces have made a shape that later pieces must fit into. It is mostly not the shape you would have designed if you had been able to see the whole board at the beginning.
But you could not see the whole board at the beginning. Nobody could. The shape is what it is.
By the middle of the game, most of us notice something unwelcome. We are no longer building in the clean, free way we imagined. We are managing. The perfect lines have not appeared. There are gaps in the wall. There are bumps. There are places where a piece landed badly, and the entire column above it has become more difficult. We are not playing toward perfection because perfection became unavailable some time ago. We are playing to keep the structure from collapsing.
This is damage control, and damage control is a great deal of adult life.
It sounds bleak, but it is not necessarily an indictment. A life without constraint would have no shape. A board with no pieces on it contains every possibility and means almost nothing. The limits created by earlier placements become commitments: work that has to be done, people who depend on us, promises, debts, friendships, children, injuries, homes, places we cannot simply abandon. Some of those limits are unjust. Some are inherited. Some were placed on the board by other people before we had any power to object. Some are ours.
The important thing is to recognize the difference.
Not every difficult shape is a personal failure. Not every gap was made by carelessness. People begin with different boards, different speeds, different amounts of room, and different hands trying to move the pieces before they are old enough to play. The game is universal. The starting conditions are not.
That is why the usual moral language is so often inadequate. People speak as though every life were a clean board and every consequence an individual decision. They see a crooked wall and imagine a series of simple mistakes. They do not see illness, poverty, violence, grief, bad timing, bad luck, family, history, or the thousand things that may have arrived before a person had the language to name them.
Judgment without information is not judgment. It is only punishment.
Forgive yourself for the early placements. You did not know. You could not have known. The information required to place the first piece correctly was information that became available only after it had been placed. This is not a flaw in you. It is the structure of the game.
Forgiveness does not mean pretending the pieces do not matter. They do. The past has shape. A badly placed piece cannot be wished away, and the people harmed by it are not repaired through our private realization that we were young, frightened, or ignorant. But the recognition changes what is possible next. It allows a person to stop spending every remaining turn trying to punish an earlier version of themselves and begin using the board that actually exists.
This is perhaps the only usable form of responsibility: see the board clearly; accept what belongs to you; repair what can be repaired; refuse the lie that everything can be repaired; place the next piece as well as you can.
There is another important difference between Tetris and the ways we usually talk about life. In the game, the pieces do not care what you wanted. A long piece does not become a square because you have an inconvenient gap. A square does not become the exact shape you needed because you have worked hard or because you deserve a break. It falls. You meet it. You use it or fail to use it.
Life is not quite so impersonal, but it is impersonal enough. We spend a remarkable amount of time wishing that the present would become a more suitable shape. We wait for the apology that may not come, the job that should have appeared, the body that should have cooperated, the person who should have stayed, the past that should have been different. Sometimes these wishes are expressions of grief. Sometimes they are the beginning of action. Sometimes they are only a way of refusing the piece currently descending.
The piece is still descending.
There are moments when the game clears a line. The board opens. A burden that had seemed permanent disappears. A person recovers. A relationship changes. A debt is paid. An answer arrives. A room in life becomes usable again. Tetris is not only a story about accumulation. It is also a story about clearing space.
But clearing space requires seeing the line. It requires patience and arrangement. It often requires accepting a piece that looks useless until several later pieces make its purpose visible. This is one reason experience matters. Not because experience makes us wise in any permanent sense, but because after enough pieces we begin to recognize patterns. We know what a familiar gap tends to demand. We know that panic makes the board worse. We know that a pause, when a pause is possible, is not laziness but attention.
We also know that the screen speeds up.
The acceleration is one of the crueler truths in the metaphor. Youth feels open not because it is empty of pressure but because the pieces have not yet begun to fall quickly. Later, the speed becomes part of the situation. Parents grow old. Children need things. The body makes demands. Work accumulates. A decision must be made before the information is complete. The distance between one piece and the next becomes smaller, until it sometimes feels as though there is no distance at all.
This is where the metaphor becomes useful rather than merely pessimistic. If the pieces are falling faster, then the answer cannot be to demand perfect placement. Perfection is a luxury of diagrams. The answer is to build practices that give us a little more room: people to call, work we can share, institutions that do not make every mistake fatal, communities that remember a person is more than the worst piece they ever placed. A society that treats everyone as a solitary player on an empty screen is a society designed to produce unnecessary losses.
There are responsibilities that belong to the player. There are also responsibilities that belong to the people who designed the room, set the speed, and decided who begins with a clear board and who begins beneath a tower built by others.
The end is the same for everyone. The game does not permit a final score that exempts anyone from the condition of having lived. That is the part of the metaphor we resist most strongly. We want our lives to have different endings, to mean different things, to add up differently. They do add up differently in the only sense that matters to the people who were touched by them. But the basic condition is shared. The game ends because the game always ends.
This does not empty life of meaning. It creates the limit inside which meaning can exist. A painting matters because the canvas ends. A sentence matters because it cannot contain everything. A life matters not because it can become complete, but because it cannot.
The wall is not a monument to perfection. It is evidence that you were here. It contains the shapes you were given, the choices you made, the things you inherited, the repairs you attempted, the places you failed, the lines you cleared, and the people who became part of the structure. Someone who sees the wall will not always understand it. You may not understand it yourself. Still, it is yours in the limited and difficult way anything is ours.
It has been said that we read because reading makes us less lonely. I think writing serves the same purpose from the other side. We write when there is no one else to turn to, or when the people we could turn to cannot hear what we need to say in the way we need to say it, or when what needs to be said does not yet have a shape and the shape will emerge only through the writing.
Writing is one of the ways loneliness becomes useful. The loneliness produces the writing, and the writing produces something that another person, sometime, somewhere, may read and recognize. They find a sentence that matches something they felt but could not say. The letter reaches them. They were the recipient all along. You simply did not know their address.
The pieces are still falling. The wall is still being built. We do the best we can with what arrives. We forgive the early player for not knowing the later board. We take responsibility for the piece in front of us. We make room where we can. We clear a line when it is possible.
The wall is yours. Build what you can.
Someone, sometime, may see it.
“Of things some are in our power, and others are not.”
— Epictetus, Encheiridion, §1, translated by George Long
We bear the weight of our freedom and the responsibility that comes with it.
— from my Sartre episode
Sartre removes the comforting furniture first. No assigned essence. No hidden manager. No cosmic department accepting appeals on the grounds that we were tired and everyone else was doing it.
This sounds like freedom until responsibility enters carrying the bill. Ownership is hard because an explanation may be true without becoming an acquittal. The past narrowed the choices. Poverty narrowed them. Illness, trauma, duty, and other people narrowed them. Narrow is not the same as absent.
Sartre can become cruel when freedom is treated as though everyone received the same doors. Still, his accusation survives: somewhere inside the conditions, we answer with an act. Even refusal answers. Even silence signs something.
There may be no alibi large enough for a life. There must still be mercy large enough for a person.
“Do the thing, and you shall have the Power.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson, Compensation, Essays, First Series
The struggle itself becomes a source of meaning.
— from my Camus episode
Camus gives us a man, a hill, and a boulder with admirable workplace discipline. The stone never calls in sick. The hill never restructures. The gods remain senior management.
Meaning does not descend to rescue Sisyphus. He makes it in the contact between hand and stone, breath and incline, revolt and another morning. This is not optimism. Optimism expects conditions to improve. Defiance has reviewed the conditions and begun anyway.
The absurd is not that the stone falls. Everything falls. The absurd is that we keep finding reasons to place our hands against it—and sometimes one of those reasons is another person pushing beside us.
“He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.”
— John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, chapter II
Judgment without information is not judgment. It is only punishment.
We see the wall after years of pieces have fallen. We see its gaps and crooked columns. Because we did not witness the beginning, we imagine the builder chose every flaw with a clear board and unlimited time.
We do not see the illness, poverty, family, violence, luck, or hands that moved the first pieces before the player could reach them. This does not mean nothing belongs to the player. It means no honest verdict can begin by pretending the board was empty.
Before judging the wall, ask what arrived first.
“It is not one swallow or one fine day that makes a spring.”
— Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Book I, chapter 7
Perfection is a luxury of diagrams.
Diagrams pause time. They remove trembling hands, bad news, fatigue, rent, children, pain, and the telephone call that changes the afternoon. Under those conditions every line can be straight.
A life is drawn while the page is moving. The useful question is not whether the result is flawless. It is whether there is enough room for the next thing that needs to live.
The board is not a diagram.
“The maturity of man—that means, to have reacquired the seriousness that one had as a child at play.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, §94, translated by Helen Zimmern
The wall is not a monument to perfection. It is evidence that you were here.
The wall contains the things you were given and the things you chose, though no one—including you—will always know which was which. It contains repairs, failures, debts, accidents, people, and the spaces left by people.
Someone looking at it may misunderstand the whole construction. They may see a gap where you remember survival, or admire a tower that cost you everything. There is no final critic with a perfect view of the board. This is bad news for anyone waiting for a final inspection from the Department of Ultimate Meaning. The permit was misplaced before birth.
From the Jung episode: The point is not piety. It is architecture. You build a life that can hold you. The wall does not prove you mastered the game. It proves you played while the pieces were falling.
The way up and the way down is one and the same. — Heraclitus
A life can look like ascent from inside and collapse from the street. You may call it rebuilding. Someone who preferred the old ruin will call it decline. Both will arrive with diagrams.
Heraclitus gives us the intolerable possibility that opposite directions may belong to the same road. The child leaves in order to return as someone else. The sober person loses a life that was killing them and grieves it anyway. The wall rises by admitting what fell.
Progress is rarely considerate enough to look progressive while it happens.
“The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.”
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus, Absurd Walls, translated by Justin O'Brien
I shoveled snow for an hour yesterday - then it fucking rained.
When I woke up this morning.
All the snow was gone.
The moral of this story?
Fuck the snow.
Years later I would add:
Pissing in the snow makes a hole.
The hole proves that something happened. It does not prove that the event meant anything.
Warmth changes the surface. Relief leaves evidence. You may even write your name, but the achievement is temporary, yellow, and made by subtraction. The snow does not admire the technique. It does not punish the body or preserve the message. It falls again.
We see a shape and invent intention. We survive and call it destiny. We suffer and assume a lesson was assigned. We watch the rain erase an hour of shoveling and imagine the universe has offered editorial criticism.
It only rained.
Cause becomes purpose because purpose is easier to endure.
The universe may be indifferent. Man is not. Perhaps meaning begins in that difference: not because the snow cared that I shoveled it, but because I did.
That does not make human meaning false. It makes meaning a human consequence. The danger begins when we forget our part in making it and promote interpretation into evidence:
Something happened.
Therefore it had a purpose.
Therefore I know the purpose.
Therefore someone else must live according to it.
No.
I think this.
I also think the opposite.
Meaning may not be something we invent against an indifferent universe. It may be what happens when an indifferent universe meets a creature who is not indifferent. Or it may be something we encounter in relationship, consequence, beauty, suffering, or the unreasonable fact that anything exists at all. Perhaps the universe is not indifferent. Perhaps it simply does not answer in a language we recognize.
The rain only rained. We supplied the meaning.
The rain entered a human life and revealed meaning that was not there until the life and the rain met.
Both may be true. Neither clears the driveway.
Contradiction. Constant contradiction. Nothing is simple.
Pissing in the snow makes a hole.
Everything after that is interpretation.
Or recognition.
I really don't know.
The earlier story did not settle this. It reached for a moral, laughed at the moral, and told the snow to go fuck itself. The philosophies arrived twenty-one years late carrying opposing clipboards.